ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

"I'm not doing it!" screamed Piccolo.

"Yes, you are!" commanded Goku.

"Alright, I give up."the Demon King replied.

As we all know, Piccolo has had a drinking problem ever since the fight with Freeza. A struggling alcoholic in a cruel, unforgiving world was what he was. People always discriminated him for being green, and that added onto the torture. His only escape was alcohol. Eventually Goku, earth's champion, found out about Piccolo's little secret, and decided it was time to take action.

He convinced Piccolo to sign up for Alcoholics Anonymous.

Day 1: The First Meeting

Piccolo put on his familiar turban and weighted white cape as he woke up from his troubled slumber. The night before he had had a nightmare concerning Kami and Mr.Popo, but he'd be sure to forget about that, because today might be worse. He made a pot of coffee (with caffeine of course) and added creamer (he likes it that way) and chugged it down. After that, he had his usual breakfast of waffles and frosted flakes.

"Mr. Popo, come here." He commanded.

Mr. Popo entered the room in his usual outfit. If you're reading this you should know what it is. He was making his usual rounds, watering the flowers, and sweeping the lookout.

"What is it that Mr. Piccolo requires of Mr. Popo?" the bizarre Genie type life form asked.

"While I'm away, I would be pleased if you would go to the local grocery store and buy me some 'Cookie Crisp'." He stated.

"..."

"..."

"Ahem. I must be going now. Goodbye, Popo. And be sure to get that cereal."

He took off, and went to the local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

He opened the door, and was surprised to see Cell, Kid Buu, Freeza, King Cold, and Vegeta attending.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"You'd be a raging alcoholic too, if you were beaten and humiliated by Kakarrot." Vegeta replied.

"I was so depressed, I downed 2 gallons!" Freeza confided.

"Buu woo woo!"

Everyone gave Buu one of those looks that says "You're a dumbass."

Piccolo took a seat next to Vegeta, and they all got ready for the meeting. The Grand Pooba of AA started the meeting.

"Good morning everybody, and say hi to our newest member."

"HI!"

Piccolo stood up.

"My name is Demon King Piccolo, soon to be ruler of Earth, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, King Piccolo!" everyone said in Unison.

He sat down, and the meeting progressed.

Later..."This week, I cut down my Alcohol dosage by one ½! I'm improving already!" exclaimed Vegeta.

Everyone clapped at his success story. Then Cell stood up.

"I bought one less beer yesterday!"

Cue clapping.

This continued on for awhile, while Piccolo was given advice, etc;

He went back to the lookout, and was enraged when he discovered Mr. Popo did not buy the required 'Cookie Crisp.' He smacked up Popo for a few hours, and then went to bed.

The Following Morning..."And this time, remember to buy the 'Cookie Crisp'. And remember you owe me 2 boxes now!"

He took off like last time, and headed for Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Hey, guess what!"

"What?" everyone asked the Demon King.

"I had NO alcohol yesterday!" he exclaimed.

"No way, you lying Namekian. You can't fool me." was Vegeta's reply.

"It's true," continued Piccolo," The therapy I needed was beating up Mr. Popo. Violence is the key, guys. Find someone to beat on!"

"I can punch out Bulma!" stated the Saiyan Prince.

"I can abuse Frieza." suggested King Cold.

"I'll menace the androids." Was Cell's idea.

"Buu woo woo!"

Everyone gave Buu that look again.

"Then it's settled. Let's test Piccolo's theory!" they all agreed in unison.

The alcoholics took off, so they could beat up those who were close to them.

Later That Night..."Excellent. You bought the 'Cookie Crisp'. But, I regret to announce I still must beat you up if I am to defeat my addiction to alcohol."

"Oh, Kami..."

Piccolo gleefully beat up the Genie, and continued to do so until he collapsed from exhaustion.

Saturday:

Piccolo and the guys decided to celebrate their success with a night on the town. They were all dressed in black tuxes, and all looked suave and debonair. The first thing on the agenda was a trip to Club Astispumante..."I hear this club hosts the hottest women in town." Cell remarked.

"Sweet!" everyone replied.

They entered the infamous club. The interior was dark, but had neon lights all over the place. A disco globe hung in the center, and techno music blared on the dance floor. On the side was the ultimate temptation... The bar.

"Oh, crap! I forgot about their notorious bar, which hosts dozens of exotic alcoholic beverages." Vegeta said to himself.

They all started to profusely sweat as people started to order drinks from the Bar. Some started to inch towards the Bar, while others inched away from it.

Prince Vegeta broke down and started crying, as Frieza tried to comfort him. King Cold and Kid Buu had to restrain Cell as he tried to get to the bar. Piccolo sweat dropped, and was about to look away, when they served a rare drink that he loved so very very much... The Piccolo Colada! He started to sweat again, and gritted his teeth. It was too much to handle. He closed his eyes, but suddenly found himself running to the bar.

He stopped himself, and tried to imagine beating up Goku, Krillen, and Mr.Popo. He gritted his teeth again, and the sweating increased. It started to create a puddle on the floor. He started to grunt. He started to walk backwards, with much trouble.

"You can do it, Piccolo." Encouraged Vegeta.

"Yes! I can do this..." Piccolo thought, though he didn't truly believe himself.

Cell was starting to calm down in the meantime. He sighed, and collapsed on top of King Cold.

Piccolo started to back away, but then, when he saw the absolute greenness of the Piccolo Colada, he snapped. His eyes turned blood red, and steam started to pour out of his nose, like a dragon. He dashed towards the ultimate beverage.

"Piccolo, no!!!" Vegeta cried in vain.

Disclaimer: I own neither DBZ nor Cookie Crisp. Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for part 2.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS - PART 2

The Next Day...

Piccolo and the gang were all lying on the floor, passed out from all the drinks they had. Temptation had defeated them, and they had all failed.

Piccolo woke up with the worst hangover he'd had in years, and knew this wasn't good. The whole group had had their fair share of drinks! It was all his fault...What would he say to the Grand Pooba?

"I'll just have to tell him the truth..." he thought sadly.

Later...

"It was Cell's fault." The Demon stated.

Cell was outraged, but held his sad feelings of distrust inside.

"Cell, is this true?" asked the big P.

"N...N...Yes..." he meekly replied.

Piccolo couldn't believe Cell had protected him! What reason could Cell possibly have to lie about Piccolo's lie?

"Very well, Cell. You shall be punished accordingly for this outrageous behavior. I sentence you...to Death!"

Everyone gasped.

"Just kidding. From now on, you must stay inside the ‘Happy' room in this facility. I shall personally escort you there tomorrow." The Grand Pooba enlightened Cell.

When everyone was dismissed, Piccolo went up to Cell and grabbed his shoulder.

"Cell! Why did you lie?" he asked.

"Piccolo...I've never told anyone this, and I tried to deny it in my mind...but to tell you the truth...I love you." Cell replied.

"..."

"..."

Piccolo slowly backed away from Cell, then turned around and ran away like his life depended on it.

"Well...At least there's still Frieza..." he sighed to himself.

At The House of Goku...

"Gohan!" cried Goku.

"Yes, Daddy?"

"I'm going to check on Piccolo's progress. You tell your mom where I went." He commanded.

He took off, and made his way to the Lookout.

"Great. Now who's going to protect me from my Demon Mother?" Gohan wondered.

The Lookout...

Piccolo landed on the Lookout, briefcase in hand, and walked inside to the Throne room. He set his briefcase down, and hung up his weighted training clothes on a rack on the wall. He sighed, and sat down on the Throne.

"I might as well spy on someone...Maybe I can blackmail somebody." He said to himself.

Just then, a familiar someone walked into the throne room.

"Hey, Piccolo. How's the program working for you?" asked the mighty Saiyan.

"Not so well...First I got everybody drunk, and then I find out that Cell loves me in a naughty way, and to top it all off...My best suit got a gravy stain on it..."

"But Piccolo, you only have one suit."

"That's the point, you idiot!" yelled Piccolo.

Goku started whimpering, and broke down and cried. He started to fly away, but before he left, he looked back and said:

"I thought you liked me...But I guess I was wrong!!!" he managed to say, and then he continued bawling as he flew away.

Piccolo collapsed in his throne.

"What next?" he wondered with dread.

Just then, Mr. Popo came in.

"What do you want, Popo? I'm tired enough as it is." He murmured.

"Mr. Popo has had enough. It's time to kick some ass!"

"Wha-?"

Mr. Popo lunged at Piccolo, and started to strangle him. He then kicked him in the stomach, and elbowed him in the face. A knee to the groin caused extreme pain, and the eye gouging was a pretty bad handicap. To top it all off, Mr. Popo kicked Piccolo's arms off. He left the Demon King lying in a pool of his own blood.

Piccolo regenerated his arms, and struggled to get up. He had to get to Korin's tower.

"My life depends on a talking, overweight senile cat! Could it be in worse hands?"

Just then, Cell arrived at the Lookout. He sensed Piccolo's ki, and made his way to the Throne room of the Demon King. He came within 2 feet of Piccolo, and said:

"Hello, handsome."

Piccolo screamed, and his world went black...

Meanwhile...

Gohan was outside lying in the grass. He was watching the clouds roll by, thinking about the many philosophical aspects of life, when his dad made a solemn entrance into their yard.

"So, Daddy, how did it go with Piccolo?" asked Gohan.

"Piccolo? That bastard can rot in Hell for all I care!" and he continued to cry as he entered his house.

Gohan shrugged it off, and continued philosophizing.

THE END (BEFORE THE PROLOGUE)

Disclaimer: I don't own any aspect of Dragonball Z.

EPILOGUE

It was 3 weeks after the incidents recounted in this tale, and Piccolo hadn't fully recovered from that horrible day when Popo had annihilated him, and Cell had his way with him. He was glad he wasn't conscious at that time. He still had nightmares about Mr. Popo, and he had long since moved in with Master Roshi, because then he wouldn't have to live with anyone who reminded him of the stated incidents (as in people who were there.)

One day, Gohan decided to pay a visit to Piccolo. He hadn't seen him in a long while, and wanted to give him something.

"I sense Gohan coming." Piccolo thought gleefully.

He was glad that his friend was coming, because they hadn't gotten together in a long time. He went outside, and welcomed his old friend with open arms.

"Gohan! It's so good to see you!" He exclaimed.

Gohan walked up to Piccolo, and he had a strange expression on his face.

He went to Super Saiyan Two, and punched Piccolo in the jaw, thereby breaking it.

"That's for making my Daddy cry, you mean bully!"

He went back to his normal level, and flew away, satisfied that he had revenged his father.

Piccolo, just sat there, dumbfounded, and finally, he broke down and cried.

THE TRUE END

(I'm sorry about the mix-up, having Kid Gohan and Kid Buu in the same era, etc; I hope the story itself made up for that.)

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I do own the entire Evil Dead Trilogy in DVD form, however, and I watch them all the time. Hail to the King, Baby.